The Loneliness Epidemic

If you’ve ever had something unexpected happen in your life then you know how much it can rock your world. Do you remember what it was like when you got the worst news of your life? One moment you’re feeling normal and everything is fine and the next you’re stunned, it’s like all of the air got sucked out of the room and your soul is being squeezed in a vice. 

Loneliness can make us feel that way. Life seems to hit us where it hurts and when it hurts. We get wounded and often wish someone would reach out and talk to us about our struggles. I’ve heard it said in leadership and pastoral settings that “If someone is struggling, they should speak up and let someone know, otherwise how would anyone know that they're hurting?” While I understand to a degree the point leaders are trying to make, I would argue this: If a Shepard was tending to his flock of sheep and noticed that one had a broken leg, would he address the issue or wait for the sheep to speak up before helping with the broken leg? Of course not! So why do we treat people this way? 

Trust me I’ve been fed the excuses as to why this happens in our culture in the US. We get busy, We have jobs, life gets in the way and often we think to ourselves. “I don’t know if that person would even want me to reach out to them, I don’t want to bother them.” Let me say, that most people wouldn't be bothered by you checking on them (Some people might, watch the movie UP for details). I’ll be the first to admit that I have been just as guilty of this as anyone else lately. 

A few weeks ago I was sitting on my couch at about 9:30 pm and got a phone call from someone close to me. After my initial “What’s up!” I was met with tears and anger on the other end of that phone call and justifiably so. (For context this person had just lost a close friend of theirs by surprise) Through their tears, they informed me how upset they were that I didn’t call to ask how they were handling the loss when I knew what it was like to lose a close friend. 

Unfortunately, my first thought was to be defensive, my second thought was to make excuses and inform this person just how busy I’ve been lately, the last thought that entered my head before I spoke was: This person might be angry with me but they are more sad about their loss. So, I swallowed my pride and said: “You’re right, I should have called and I'm sorry, I’m here now if you want to talk”. I ended up being on the phone for a good 2 1/2 hours after that and it didn’t take long for the conversation to go from tears and anger to sorrow, storytelling, and laughter.

I don’t tell you this story to pat myself on the back, quite the opposite. I bring this up because loneliness is a real problem in our culture. When you type “Loneliness” into Google, one of the top auto fill-ins is the word “epidemic”. WE HAVE A PROBLEM. People are the only ones who can solve that problem.

---

-Mother Teresa said: “The most terrible poverty is loneliness and the feeling of being unloved.”-

How can we change this?

So what can we do? How do we “Carry one another’s burdens” like it says to do in Galatians 6:2? Here Are 3 simple things we can all do to fight back against this loneliness epidemic.

1. SLOW DOWN!

   
   

   According to Exploding Topics on average, there are more than 402 Billion gigabytes of data being created every single day. That means that approximately 90% of data was created within the last 2 years. This means that for all of human history before 2 years ago only 10% of available global data was created. What does this mean? It means that every day there are machines designed to occupy our attention and every time you open up the supercomputer in your pocket i.e. your smartphone something exists to distract you from the world and the people around you. What can we do to stop it?

   
   

   For starters, put your phone in time out. No seriously, do it. For a scheduled amount of time every day either before or after work, put your phone down and spend some time with the people you share a home with (this is one that I struggle with too.) Second, ask a friend to hang out and even if they say “no” and that they’re “busy”, get something on a schedule, and when you do get a chance to hang out, DON’T SET YOUR PHONE ON THE TABLE IN FRONT OF THEM! Studies show that when people are getting coffee or a meal together if one of them sets their phone down on the table in front of them the chemistry of the conversation declines exponentially, I know it’ll seem weird but you’ll thank me later. Lastly when you spend time around someone ask more questions than talking and just when you want to reply, ask another question, don’t just listen to wait your turn to speak, listen to respond with intent to the conversation at hand. You’ll be amazed at how little the outside world affects a handful of friends sharing a meal undistracted by the world around them.

   
   
   
   

2. Don’t Try to Say the right things.

   
   

   Making yourself emotionally available to someone who’s going through a hard time can be difficult, especially for those of us who live in America and are followers of Jesus. For starters, we don’t have healthy grieving practices. In certain traditions in our world, when they lose a loved one they grieve for prolonged periods often when a woman loses her husband she’ll wear all black for a year or even an indefinite period. In America, we’re given 3 days to grieve and when we see someone taking longer than that our temptation is to tell them to get over it.

   
   

   If you’re a Jesus follower in America, it’s worse because we get so worried that when someone experiences loss if they acknowledge their grief then they aren’t celebrating that person going on to be with the Lord. The Bible contradicts this notion, when Jesus is faced with the death of His friend Lazarus, before He raises him from the dead Jesus weeps.

   
   

   In the face of death and loss, Jesus is saddened and refuses to minimize the weight that death has on the people of this world. Notice, Jesus doesn’t walk around trying to defend God by saying “But God is still on the throne” or “Now Lazarus is rejoicing in heaven”, no. Jesus cries and acknowledges that the pain of loss that we will all endure is worth grieving over. So many of us feel this need to defend God’s honor or try to cheer someone up with some weightless Christian antic-dote. More often all people need is a friend, a shoulder to cry on, maybe even a hug, for someone to look at them in their sadness, sit and be present and don’t say a word, don’t try to minimize the loss they are feeling, Jesus didn’t. I would argue that grieving over the loss of someone you love honors God and the ones we care about by acknowledging how deeply affected we are when one of God’s beloved creations is no longer with us.

   
   
   
   

3. Remember that more unites us than divides us.

   
   

   Not much stokes the fire of loneliness quite like division. Whether it's politics, religion, sexual orientation, race, nationality, or gender identity we have all fallen victim to the tribalism that permeates our current culture. If you go to hang out with a friend, it’s not far-fetched for someone else to say something to the effect of: “Yeah, but do you know who they voted for?” 

   
   

   We have become an all-or-nothing society. Whoever we come into contact with is immediately filed into categories in our brain, even family members have gone on to not speak to each other over who is in the White House. We are too consumed by the culture wars happening in our communities. 

   
   

   In Genesis when God created all creatures, the Bible says that He breathed life into them. So at a base level when we’re around friends, family members, or ANYONE else, we have an obligation as Jesus followers to remember that the God who put air in my lungs also put air in the lungs of the person in front of me regardless of our differences. It’s hard to be divided from someone when you focus on the things you have in common first. Imagine that world, a world where regardless of what political faction has control of which office, the people can’t be divided against each other. It may not happen on a large scale yet, but what can you and I do to make that a reality in our day-to-day lives? Can we take the time to ask the single mom in our community if she needs help with diapers, or the widow if she needs help mowing her grass, or take a young man out to coffee who’s never had a healthy father figure? Better yet apologize to that person who you have grievance with and begin the work of making that relationship right.

   
   

   Instead of yelling our opinions into the modern town square of social media, can we encourage one another? Can we text someone and let them know we’re thinking about them? Can we swallow our pride and bury our egos enough to realize that we as people need to lean on each other? 

   
   

   If people are living on an island, isolated from their community then it’s up to all of us to build bridges to connect those islands. Some may argue that you can only build your half of the bridge and you need the other person to meet you in the middle, but I disagree. As a follower of Jesus, you may have to take on water. You may have to swim over to someone else’s island and help them build their bridge.

   
   

   Perhaps you know someone lonely, or hurt. This is your wake up call to call, text, and reach out to let them know that you are there for them.

   
   

   Like the great Ted Lasso said:

   
   

   "We don't know what it was like to go through what you were going through. But you don't have to go through it...all by yourself...anymore."

   
   

   Let's Pray this together:

   Heavenly Father, thank you for the gift of Your son Jesus. May His love be the motivating force of our hearts and help us to see the people in our lives who need the love and community that Jesus offers. Help us to Slow Down, Shut up, and remember that all people are your beloved creation, amen.